I often say that all I need to face the day is a good cup…or three….of coffee.  This day made me edit that notion to say, “All I need to face MOST days is a good cup of coffee…or three.”   The issue was not with the day itself; rather, it was the fact that I was on a liquid diet all day with nothing at all to drink after midnight until sometime the next day.  If you are making your way toward sixty, you probably recognize this scenario as that which precedes a dreaded colonoscopy.

I enjoyed my multiple cups of coffee at breakfast.  (Shhh…don’t tell my primary care doc as he observed that my blood pressure was quite a bit higher when I came in to his office after having eaten breakfast than it was when I came in after fasting.)  My coffee was accompanied by a cup of green Jell-o, my least favorite flavor.  Red is number one on my favorites list and orange is number two.  Both are on the DO NOT EAT list when prepping for a colonoscopy as to avoid their coloring being misread as blood in the colon.  I didn’t want to do anything that might make me have to repeat this procedure.  So, yummy lime Jell-o it was.  Honestly, I was OK with the liquid diet.  A whole day of Jell-o, soda, Italian Ice, popsicles, and broth.  Really, it’s not so bad.  Yeah, it’s a mind game.

It’s “the other liquid” that I have dreaded for all these years.  Yes, this was my first real colonoscopy.  In the past, I have done the quick home colon cancer screening.    But with age, it was time to pull up, or pull down as the case may be, my big girl panties and experience the full-service screening.  

Back to “the other liquid” the evil concoction…

I have always heard that it is not the colonoscopy itself that is bad.  How can it be?  The doctors give you good drugs that send you off to faraway places so you have no idea what they are doing to you.  One minute you are awake.  Then they give you drugs.  You go to sleep.  Then you wake up and its all over.  

Though the “purpose” of the evil concoction is not pleasant, anyone who has ever had a stomach virus or food poisoning knows what to expect.  A positive is that the effects are finite.  Once it has done its job, when everything on the inside is gone, it’s over.

It is the drinking of the evil concoction that I have avoided for all of these years.  Those who have gone before me have always said that it tastes terrible, that the only way to get it down is to make sure that it is super cold and then chug it.  The thought of doing this made me think brain freeze and barf.  I can’t chug anything.   Also, I really hate, and can’t tolerate, the feeling of my stomach being full of sloshing liquid.  This is true not just about the evil concoction.  I don’t drink milkshakes or smoothies for the same reason.  If a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Sonic Blast or a Daily Harvest Cold Brew-Cacao smoothie won’t entice me to endure sloshing liquid in my stomach, there is no hope for the evil concoction being well received.

Midday rolled around quickly.  The dreaded moment when I could no longer avoid the 64oz bottle of blue Gatorade that would soon be laced with 8.3 oz of MiraLAX.  The goal was to consume all of the evil concoction within four hours.  I mixed the first serving and headed out to the patio.  The sky was blue with a scattering of puffy white clouds, the sun was shining, and the temperature was a  perfect 76 degrees.  If I was going to feel yucky on the inside, at least I would feel good from the outside. 

I could put it off no longer.  It was time for the first sip.

To my surprise, the evil concoction wasn’t so evil!  Though I don’t drink blue Gatorade regularly, the evil concoction tasted like what I expected that blue Gatorade would taste like by itself.  I couldn’t tell that it was hiding MiraLAX.  It didn’t taste like I was drinking chalk water.  It didn’t have an awful aftertaste.  It had no nauseating smell.  I was pretty proud of myself for downing the first round in fifteen minutes.  Whew!  I had forty-five minutes for things to settle before round two.

It seemed like I had read only two or three pages of my book when my phone alarm went off signaling time for the start of dose two.  

Pour.  Mix.  Drink.

Again I got it down in fifteen minutes.  But, with round two, there wasn’t much reading during the next forty-five minutes.  The evil concoction began to work its magic.  And, I started to get the sloshy stomach feeling that I so was dreading.  It didn’t help that in the prep instructions after round two it said that if you feel nauseated or vomit you can delay round three.  The last thing I wanted to do was puke and risk having to do this all again because my insides weren’t clean enough!  I had a few moments of mind over evil concoction and mind won.  Thankfully.

Time for round three.

I realized that I couldn’t tolerate anymore sweet.  Since I didn’t think that the MiraLAX had any flavor that needed to be disguised by the Gatorade, I mixed this dose in plain ice water.  This was quite palatable and surprisingly refreshing.  Three-quarters of the way there!  At this point, I decided that I would be OK, that I could do this.  It also helped that by this time the work of the now-not-so-evil concoction was nearly completed.

With the fourth and final round, I found the chorus of The Eagles “Take it to the Limit”…take it to the limit one more time, take it to the limit one more time…rolling through my head.   This song is on my 5K run playlist at about the 4.5K mark.  After hearing it in this new context, even if just in my head, I may need to replace it on the my run playlist.  I now associate it with a different kind of running, one that may not be quite so inspiring while out on the road in my running shoes!

With the part of the colonoscopy process that I had had the most anxiety now behind me (pun may or may not have been intended), I figured the rest of the process would be a piece of cake…well, a figurative piece of cake, as now I had to face the reality of no solid food for another eighteen hours.  

I slept well the night before the procedure.  My appointment was mid-morning so there was no need to get up earlier than usual and rush around.  I didn’t even think too much about the cup of coffee that I was not having to start my day.

The surgery center where the colposcopy was performed was calm and welcoming.  I didn’t feel anxious about the procedure at all.  In fact as I was waiting for them to come get me at take me to the operating room, what I was thinking was, “I can’t beleive that they did not match the stripes when sewing that curtain!

In the end (another pun that may or may not be intended) I got a good report.  The doctor did remove a couple of polyps that he was not concerned about, but that was it.  It is kind of cool that they send you home with souvenir pictures from your adventure…and no one even tries to upsell you a more expensive package!  I’ll spare you the actual pictures, but I find the “key” to the photos hilarious.   

There appears to be nothing sequential about them!  I  think the scope’s GPS must have been terribly confused.  In it’s most frustrating tone I hear that naviogation voice saying, “Make the next safe U-turn.”  “Recalculating.”  “I give up.  You do you.  I’m going to lunch.”

The evening of the colonoscopy, a small group of the church choir with which I sing was getting together for the first time since last year to rehearse in-person for thirty minutes.  I probably should have stayed home and rested, but I really wanted to go sing.  So I did…and it was fabulous to be making a little music with other human beings without any technology being involved.  As we always do, the rehearsal concluded with prayers.  One chorister asked for prayers for someone who had just that day been diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer.  This made me realize just how important this day had been.

Though having a colonoscopy is likely not on anyone’s Top 10 list of fun things to do, it is on my 60 By Sixty list.  I’m grateful to have access to this crucial health screening.  That said, I’m glad that I am now looking at it in the rear view mirror, at least for the next five years.

Do what you can to keep yourselves healthy, my friends!